Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Putin?

It’s Saturday night, and the reboot of that old classic hits the screens with its familiar theme tune, whistle along if you want. So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Putin. If you think old England’s done? And then the title sequence has that familiar air: welcome, “Dad’s Army 2025”.

Yes, it’s a comedy. But no one is laughing.

Straight from the Cutting Room Floor

It’s a familiar tale, the script looked good on paper, as they always do, but when the actors get involved, it’s clear the show is a turkey. In other words, another “great” policy idea doomed from the onset. Condemned by common sense and the realities and red tape it will quite rightly encounter. I’m sure loads of red-trouser-wearing white men will think it’s a great idea.

Clipboards at the Ready

So, if the thought of a ‘Dad’s Army’ invokes black and white images of officious old men with clipboards stopping the population from going about their daily business, you’d probably be right. Without major changes to the law, that’s all they would be. Only this time in colour.

Call It What You Like

Call it what you want, LDV (Local Defence Volunteers), the Home Guard, as immortalised on our TV screens as ‘Dad’s Army’. But if Sir Keir thinks this is the answer, I’d hate to know what he thinks the question is.

Which Is More Terrifying?

So what are we talking about, police community support officers (PCSO) with guns, which I’m not sure would scare Putin but terrifies me. Or the Territorial Army (TA), which has been optimistically renamed the Army Reserve, with warrant cards. Honestly, I’m not sure which scares me more.

Already Covered

Much of the job of guarding our nuclear installations rests with the Civil Nuclear Constabulary (CNC), a specially trained and very armed (better than the Army in some cases) branch of the police who have for more than 20 years carried out their job with exemplary efficiency.

They are very capably aided by the Ministry of Defence Police (MDP), affectionately known as MoD Plod, who, armed to the teeth, do their bit. Aside from nuclear installations, in the words of their own website, they protect “critical infrastructure that underpins national security”

The British Transport Police (BTP), whose armed branch uses the Lewis Machine & Tool Company (LMT), LMT CQB 10.5″ SBR, which is arguably a better weapon than the British Army’s L85A3 to defend the railways.

They are all supported by helicopters of the National Police Air Service (NPAS) , who provide borderless air support to the 46 police forces of England and Wales.

Then you have specialist civilian contractors who patrol and protect secret, secret squirrel need-to-know sites. Since it’s the job of the police to defend what’s left, I’m unsure what the ‘Dad’s Army’ role would be.

Busybody Brigade

Unless it’s intended to be deployed as a crack force of busybodies, the elite “Clipboard Commandos” trained in locking the stable door after the horse has bolted and to stand and watch over smouldering transformers. Taking notes, marking time and making a brew. So, what’s the point? Given this is England with its paranoia over the proles getting their hands on guns. It won’t be a Swiss-style citizen-based militia that keeps its (assault) weapons at home.

Bring Your Own Broom Handle

Nor is this the USA, where at one stage a single gun dealer in West Virginia had more 9mm ammunition in his basement than the British Army held in its entire inventory. So Rambo is not on the table.

Factor in that any realistic armed defence force or militia would need rapid access to its weapons, not layers of bureaucracy, so a network of local armouries would be necessary. The complex, secure logistics involved would be both impractical and politically unpalatable.

So I think firearms are off the menu. Handcuffs? Don’t think so. Truncheons? Nope. But they have been replaced by the extensible ASP baton, which is unlawful in civilian hands. Again no. That leaves broom handles. So just like the original Home Guard. Deadly in untrained hands.

Thanks, But No Thanks

Thankfully, given the amount of extra work involved, if any Dad’s Army were to attempt to detain or question the public, I can’t see the police welcoming them with open arms, unless they were granted the power of arrest. And I don’t see that either. Plus, that’s a Pandora’s box just waiting to explode in the face of anyone who opens it.

Not Fit for Network

Similar legal and logistical nightmares await those trying to untangle the Gordian knot of data and communications access. GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) are just the tip of that iceberg. I don’t see Jones the Butcher being allowed on the Emergency Services Network (ESN), which is rapidly replacing the older Airwave service. Don’t Panic. Don’t Panic. The same goes for Private Pike tapping away on The National Police Computer (PNC) or the SIS networks. So, unless I’m missing the point, it’s just old men with clipboards. Even then the public liability insurance would be a rats nest of paperwork.

The Essex Frontline

However, from what I can tell, mainly white middle-aged men from Essex calling radio talk shows. It’s a cracking idea. Many are saying that if it happens, they’d sign up tomorrow. And I don’t know about you, but that fills me with dread.

The Real Strategy?

I may be wrong, perhaps it’s Sir Keir’s way of dealing with Farage and his army of Reform voters by having them stand around braziers warming their hands and their hearts and toasting what a cracking idea it was. And reminiscing about the war.

You Have Been Watching

Nigel Farage as Captain George Mainwaring.
Sir Keir Starmer as Sergeant Arthur Wilson.
Kemi Badenoch as Lance Corporal Jack Jones.
Ed Davey as Private Frank Pike.
And special guest appearance of Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin as Adolf Hitler.