The Clatter of Capitalism

There is nothing like the shrill clatter of the hooves of hypocrisy across the cobbles of capitalism to set one’s teeth on edge. Like the squeal of chalk across the blackboard it discombobulates in a most uncomfortable way. So just what is it that has me clenching my jaw, and wishing the noise would stop? In a nutshell, it’s Oasis. Oh that they would stop… Please make them stop. Stop going on about Oasis.

The Reunion Nobody Needed

I know what you are thinking, the last thing the world needs is another rant about some moany mega-rich Mancunian megastars. I agree. The static and media white noise the reunion has created is truly deafening. It’s akin to being trapped in a crate of squabbling geese. So many voices, so many contradicting opinions, all hoping to surf the slipstream of this insane click-a-thon.

Enter the Penguins

By now you might have guessed I care very little for Oasis and even less for their music. So, the first question I ask myself in the face of this media-feeding frenzy is this: how many penguins have died thanks to this online insanity and digital tsunami?

Penguins? What on earth is he on about? Has he been drinking the Brasso or eating the shoe polish? No. All that virtual hot air didn’t reach the temperature of a “Champagne Supernova” (see what I did there) for free! Our computers and laptops are not powered by free will, wishful thinking and hope alone. It’s the hope that kills you. And the polar bears. And last time I looked my machine was powered by the mains.

Boiling Kettles and Cooked Climate

As ridiculous as this will sound, the energy used by about one million people waiting in the queue for Oasis tickets was roughly equivalent to boiling the kettle for about 2.5 million cups of tea — releasing approximately 160,000 kilograms (or 160 metric tons) of CO₂ into the atmosphere and wasting £109,312.50 worth of electricity. Let alone sealing the fate of God alone knows how many penguins.

While You Were Watching the Dots

To make matters worse, all the while you were focused on the queuing process, Ticketmaster was moving the goalposts. Well more than moving. More like mounting them on mopeds and riding into the sunset. And as you were distracted watching those dots disappear over the horizon, they only went and increased the prices.

Dynamic My Arse

It’s dynamic pricing, darling. Stop being so last year. Dynamic pricing! That’s a novel way of holding your feet to the fire. Did you know dynamic pricing is an anagram of I’ve got you over a barrel? OK, I know it’s not, but it feels like it should be. But that’s capitalism. And that’s the rub of the green and the nub of the point.

The Price of Hypocrisy

As a card-carrying member of the Labour Party, for how much longer, who knows, I have issues with capitalism and globalism, admittedly. But what really gets my goat is hypocrisy. Dynamic pricing is nothing of the sort; it is just another word for change. OK, I’m at an age where I’m not a fan of change, but here it means you are unlikely to see any, loose or otherwise. It seems that dynamic “change” moves only one way. Up! You’d be forgiven for thinking that if this was truly dynamic, prices might go down as well. But do they ever? No. So it’s just a capitalist coda for getting stuffed.

A Goose for the Gander

Now, I have no idea if Oasis asked for this pricing model. But they could have said no. And as it happens, I’d have nothing against dynamic pricing per se. That’s only if it really was allowed to be dynamic.

Now here’s an idea. How about a truly dynamic example of capitalism in motion? Let the markets decide, and for what’s good for their golden goose should be good for the gander.

Free Market? Free-for-All

If, for the sake of argument, you were one of the unlucky ones who beat the queue and purchased tickets regardless of the cost to you or the environment (think of the poor penguins). They are yours. Full stop. To do with what you wish. This also means that if you’d rather have Cigarettes & Alcohol than see Oasis live, you are free to resell those tickets in whatever dynamic fashion you feel free to employ.

eBay, Vinted, down the pub, or up in the City. Cash or crypto. Even better — barter. Your tickets, your call, your profit. Now that’s what I call a free market economy. To be honest. I thought that was how it worked.

But Don’t Mention That to Ticketmaster

Sadly, Ticketmaster doesn’t believe in such a level playing field — or even a two-way street. Just hinting at such a radical free-market move will get your tickets cancelled. And that’s the very definition of hypocrisy, and so out of tune with basic economics, it’s shocking.

A bit like Oasis, really.