Fishing in the Rivers of Life

Category: Rivers of Life

  • The Man Who Hates Fish

    Food Contradictions Everyone has a food contradiction or two — like the vegetarian who lapses at the smell of a frying pan full of sizzling streaky bacon, or the health nut who hides Custard Creams in the fridge. Then you have the man — he could be me — who does not like fish. The…

  • Porky Pig’s Russian Roulette

    The Poetry and the Abomination The Scotch egg, what can I say? Done well, it’s pure poetry, like Blake’s Jerusalem, encased in exceptional sausage meat, rolled in the crispest breadcrumbs, and deep-fried to perfection. Done badly, it’s an abomination, a thrash metal version of “Morning Has Broken” blasted out on cheap, tinny speakers. Once, I…

  • Definitely Maybe Not Worth It

    The Clatter of Capitalism There is nothing like the shrill clatter of the hooves of hypocrisy across the cobbles of capitalism to set one’s teeth on edge. Like the squeal of chalk across the blackboard it discombobulates in a most uncomfortable way. So just what is it that has me clenching my jaw, and wishing…

  • End of the road

    I have a terrible memory, and it’s getting worse. Up until now, that’s been a blessing in disguise. Let’s face it, as a photojournalist who has covered war and natural disasters, who wants total recall? But as I said, it’s getting worse. Until now, life has been like driving a car through the dusk with…

  • The Steak Pie of Labour’s Lost

    A Gravy-Stained Time Machine It must have been a strange sight: a large, portly gentleman in a checked linen Borsalino, sitting on the passenger side of a beaten-up left-hand drive Rav4. Well past his prime, just like the car. Its blue-green paintwork was as faded as his hair and patchy, like his memory. His eyes…

  • Blast from the past

    Marching to a Fantasy Tune Left, right, left, right, left, right, left. No, that’s not the commentary track to a game of political ping-pong between Labour and the Tories, but the tune to which Rishi Sunak would have the nation’s youth marching. The only problem is that, while it sounds simply spiffing, it’s utterly out…

  • Dad’s Army 2025

    Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Putin? It’s Saturday night, and the reboot of that old classic hits the screens with its familiar theme tune, whistle along if you want. So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Putin. If you think old England’s done? And then the title sequence has that…

  • Too Old to Pogo, Too Young to Die

    I want to dance. Not smooch. No slow dance at the end of the evening with high hopes and low expectations. I don’t want Barry White. I want the Toy Dolls. I don’t want pop. I want punk. I want to thrash and writhe. I want to be thrown through the DJ booth. I want…

  • Where is my fucking hoverboard?

    Where is my hoverboard? Where is my hoverboard? Come on, where the fuck is my hoverboard? I’ve seen Back to the Future Part II and guess what? No fucking hoverboard. The film was set in 2015, and it’s way past then. Instead of gliding over pavements like Marty McFly, but cooler obviously, we’ve got electric…

  • Have a Nice Day

    Why on earth is AI so fucking optimistic? Come on, you must have noticed. It’s worse than living in small-town America, what with its never-ending round of cheery “have a nice day” and “there you go, Darlin” after every fucking dreary completed task. For Christ’s sake, I’m not ordering doughnuts. I fucking hate it. And…

  • Plane Stupid or Stupid Plane?

    No Such Thing as a Free Plane There’s an old adage that states, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch,” and while that may remain true, perhaps it’s time to update the world-worn saying to: “there’s no such thing as a free plane.” Let me put it another way. It’s always been a dream…

  • Goodbye, Wilf

    A bright day, a dark task Bright sunshine conceals a dark day. Birds sing and angry drivers toot, oblivious to the mood. I can just about hear the babble of the infants in the playground like a faraway brook. Life is all around. Blue skies, warm sun, the world is on its head today. It…

  • Blessed Are the Cheesemakers

    The Joke That Took 45 Years to Land Around 554 moons ago, as I chortled my way through Monty Python’s Life of Brian, I laughed my little heart out at one line without understanding its meaning. Now, 45 years later, I’ve just gone: ahhh. All it took was age. The key to decoding my ancient…

  • Nigel and the Milkshake of Destiny

    A Screech at the Radio Christ alone knows what the neighbours are thinking. For about the tenth time, I scream at the radio. The venom and the message are the same: “You don’t speak for me, you fucking moron.” It’s not nuanced, not balanced, but that’s what you get from Nigel Farage. Well, not him…

  • Don’t Sink the Lifeboats

    A Long List of Awful Jobs Outside journalism, I’ve done my fair share of truly awful jobs. In no particular order, I’ve sold advertising space for the now long-defunct TruckMart magazine, worked as a steel fixer, paint sprayer, porter in a glove factory, pizza chef, KP, photographer’s assistant, and—my personal favourite—working for my dad as…